Night Shift Confessionals
My days blend together. Nudge after Nudge in every wake up call, I find myself feeling worn. I squint my eyes with a sigh, “only slept two hours”. I rub my eyes back to clarity and start the next part of my day.
In all honesty, I sometimes wish I could left alone in a dark, cold room with my cat, oliver curled up next to me. No half asleep, half awake type of nap or the feeling of constantly keeping eyes and ears open in case little one wakes up or the preteen needs something. I would get to sleep a full 8 hours without the mental load.
For the most part, my partner does fully take over after he’s showered from a long day in crawl spaces and closes off our room so I can sleep. I am 100% grateful. Plus, my girls are such treasures and understands my sleep times, well at least the oldest does. The toddler loves the slapping sounds of my face to force my eyes open. But as a parent, it’s hard for me to be fully asleep without the self conscious worries.
Sometimes at work, I will doze and wake myself up calling on my toddler. I receive chuckles from my co-workers because luckily they get it, but still. Though, night shift or not, do any parents ever truly get rest?
Even with all the helpful tricks my partner and I do, the fantasy of that room in my lonesome still creeps in from time to time. I think that’s being human.
At the end of my night, I drag my feet up those concrete stairs to our crammed apartment that keeps the family close and remind myself this exhaustion will pay off. I tip toe in our room seeing our little girl asleep safe and warm in our bed. I check on our oldest and simply see peace. Hug my partner tight before he’s off to work, and I feel it all melt away. This is why we do it. Our girls are safe and loved. The fridge is full, our bills paid, and we have each other.
Though I sometimes day dream about that cold, darkroom and have the bed all to myself. I even dream not having to work over nights and have a normal day job, all those dreams fade and realize my reality is even better. Us night shifters do it for our families, save on childcare, and get where we need to be. One day I will be able to own a home our girls grow up and I grow old in. So, here’s to night shift.